Jokes

[Phytotron]

Thanks, TnA. Like we needed that thing to show twice on the same page.

[Sabarai]

Your current sig is better Revan

[iceman]

I just made this anoying image, how about using it for your sig
if you suffer from epilepsy look away now

nor do we need to see it a third time, stop quoting it please- tank program

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME ICE?!!? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS...

err O_O nvm to bad i dont have epilepsy...

heh

If I put my face up close to the monitor and stare at it for about a minute I start to feel sick and dizzy

[Lucifer]

Europe never has shootings.

Of course that's because as we all know, guns are the real problem in America, and Europe doesn't have a history of genocide.

(Am I the only one getting tired of Europe's holier-than-thou attitude about America?)

I'd like to add that Europe never has rioting citizens, either.

[Phytotron]

(Am I the only one getting tired of Europe's holier-than-thou attitude about America?)

Hell man, I have a holier-than-thou attitude about much of America. Whether some jingo-nationalist gets tired or outraged with Europeans or whomever feeling the same way is of little consequence. America and Americans continually spit and shit on the rest of the world with arrogant impunity, and have a storied history of doing so; yet one negative comment from abroad and they react either by crying about it like hurt, defensive little children, or by lashing out like spoiled, intemperate juveniles. Some simply react with myopic disbelief.

Do unto others. Get out of the kitchen. Pot and kettle. Pick your cliche. Sometimes disrespect is earned and deserved, Godfather.

Ooh, I'm getting cranky. I should eat something and go to bed.

[Lucifer]

Yeah, you know, there's a world of difference between "I'm an American and I think America sucks, and here are the problems I have with America, and how should we fix them" and "I'm a European, and I think America sucks, and we never have the kinds of problems in Europe that America has."

I'm in more or less complete agreement that the US needs to be nicer and play nicer and all that stuff. But this OT meandering started from a "we don't have those problems here because we're not stupid like all of you Americans" comment.

[iceman]

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender
says, "That'll be four cents, please."

The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement.
"How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and
gravy and a side order of peas?"

"Eleven cents," says the bartender.

The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his
friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the
manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"

"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.

"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly
replies.

[Sabarai]

Found this site with these jokes:

NOTICE : The jokes contained in this section are not racial, but rather a humorous look at various
origins of people. It is not intended to offend or racially slur any particular race. Lots of Jokes does NOT endorse or provide racial jokes and does not promote any racial activities or attitudes in any form.

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A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves. The British man requested a pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out. The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe. The French man was next, and he requested a Saber. "Vive le France" was what he cried out as he disemboweled himself. The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe. The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed "So much for your ******* canoe!"

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is
too fockin' dangerous for me"

PART TWO

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

PART THREE

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"

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An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

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President Bill Clinton called Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainement! I will get on hit right haway." said Jean.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said President Bill.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Clinton.
"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Chretien hung up and called the president of Trojan.
"I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, an sen'em to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc 'n rouge in color; hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia' meter."
"That's easily done. Anything else?"
"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM."

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A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in Germany". The others ask, "How do you know", the German says, "Cuz' it's so cold". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia", the others ask "How do you know", he replies "Cuz' it's so warm". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in Mexico", the others ask "How do you know", he says " Cuz' my watch in gone".

http://www.lotsofjokes.com

[Phytotron]

Have I posted this one before? My British buddy told it to me.

In Heaven, the British are the police, the French are the cooks, and the Germans are the workers.

In Hell, the British are the cooks, the French are the workers, ans the Germans are the police.

[Sabarai]

This picture is more complete

[Tank Program]

Image hosted by tripod?

Anyway, I have a feeling this may have been posted or linked to before, but it's still funny.

For the optimist, the glass is half full. For the pessimist, it's half empty. For the engineer, it's twice as big as it needs to be.

[Sabarai]

No, but i can add it....

[Tank Program]

Yes, that one with the swing has been around for a very long time.

[Phytotron]

American salaries/wages aren't all that great for very many to most Americans—relative to cost of living, of course.

[Sabarai]

Then, American -> Dutch, Norwegian, etc etc...